Stick a fork in me

... for better or worse, I am done!

Mini-Crusade

One day while my wife was driving me to the gym she asked (randomly) "Do you think San Francisco has the most mini coopers of any city?" My thoughts were in this order:

1) What! and Why? Does this even matter?

2) Why would she think that I was familiar with vehicle registrations from county to county, or that I could even begin to answer?

3) Is this something that needs to occupy my time?


Well we were 6 blocks from the gym where after asking the question I sleepily said "I have no idea". Then we counted 6 mini coopers. One on each block. Since then I have begun counting mini coopers on every trip I take. I also count how many blocks I go and figure out my cooper/block ratio. I am totally obsessed, this is like the slug bug game from my childhood but even worse (cause I don't get to hit my little brother).

This has led me to search the dark recesses of the CA DMV website in an attempt to assuage my OCD. If I knew the number of coopers divided by the population on a county by county basis then I could stop all this counting. But alas all that I could find was a very basic statistic sheet, there are 22,086,593 registered automobiles in CA. BUT HOW MANY ARE COOPERS, AND WHERE ARE THEY!!!!!@!!??!?

Also total registered vehicles in CA is 33,539,486. According to the census there are 36,457,549 people in CA, and 26.1% are under 18. Now I know it is inaccurate but let's assume equal distribution, which means that 23.2% are <16 years old. This means that there are 27,999,397 people in CA that are old enough to drive/own a car. Which means that CA has 1.2 cars per driver. This blows my mind. I know that some people (my folks) have more cars than they can drive, but I thought there would be a lot more single car households (like mine) that would offset this number. CA has more cars than we can possibly drive. Sad.

Let The Games Begin II

On the flip-side, here is what is being circulated on the intertubes about your hero and mine, America's P.O.W. sweetheart... John McCain.

John McCain's Wife is a Philanthropist and a Hero.

John McCain's Son is a Hero.

McCain is a Hero

This is gonna get ugly.

Let the Games Begin

I have been noticing for some time now that snopes has had a wealth of "stories" about Barack Obama. All of these stories are fueled by racism, and fear. Now that he has almost secured the Democratic nomination, I will bet that these things are just going to keep on going and probably getting worse. I think that the saddest part is that some idiot starts these and other idiots will open the spam e-mail and believe it. By the time the election rolls around these narrow minded assholes are going to be spamming everyone with stories that Barack Obama is a child raping, baby eating satanist that single handedly planned and executed the events of September 11th. I mean they are already calling him the anti-christ, How much further can they go?

So here are the spams so far:

Mis-quotes that paint him as an America Hating Racist.

Barack Obama's Mother is a Jesus Hating Communist.

Barack Obama is a Liar.

Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ?!?!

Barack Obama's Family Orchestrated the Political Violence in Kenya.

Barack Refuses to say the National Anthem.

Barack Does Not Know How to Hold a Telephone.

Michelle Obama Has Something to Hide in Her Senior Thesis

Barack Obama is Liar Part II

Obama Family Photo Depicting Barack's Relations as Crack-Addicts and Gay Porn Stars

Misrepresentation of the "Change" Theme

Hugo Chavez is Funding Barack Obama's Campaign

The KKK has Endorsed Barack Obama.

Barack Obama's Church is Muslim Shit, that doesn't even make sense. If a church were Muslim it would be a Mosque.

Barack Obama Refuses to Salute the Flag

Barack Obama took his Oath of Office on the Quran, His Father was a Radical Muslim Terrorist, and He is a Radical Muslim Himself who is Trying to Take Down the USA... From the INSIDE!

This is going to be crazy for the next 5 months.

Space Lab

Is it wrong that I see humorous irony in the fact that the Japanese section of the International Space Station will be the largest of them all?

Also leave it to Russia to build a toilet that takes two guys 10 minutes to flush. Isn't space a vacuum?

I am officially old

I feel so old. I used to know like 95% of the coachella line up and could probably have sung along to at least 2 songs for 60% of the bands. That is to say I didn't just "know of" them but I owned a CD, or had at least heard it enough on the college radio station that I could sing along. Now I don't recognize even a lot of the headliners.

http://www.coachella.com/event/lineup

Bands I know (but am also not really proud that I know them):
Jack Johnson -hate
The Verve -didn't they all die in a tour bus parking incident
The Breeders =LOVE
Aphex twin -roommate into raves in the late 90's, bad times. Also this is not real "music" I cannot stand this shit.
Fatboy slim -Sweet baby Jesus I HATED that stupid fucking "praise you" song so much. Therefore I never cared to listen to any more of that crap. Could there be a more annoying song?
Slightly stoopid -yeah I was a rude boy in the 90's so of course
Flogging molly -you can't spend as much time in Irish pubs as I do and not know who this is
Stephen Malkmus -I still miss pavement
Dwight Yoakam -yup, guitars and Cadillacs, love me some hillbilly music
Death Cab -can't get enough
Portishead -not a big fan but I have heard them enough
Prince - duh
Linton Kwesi Johnson - natural progression from rude boy to dub lover
Perry Farrell- is it sad that I know Jane's Addiction and porno for pyros more than anything else he's done recently?

And that's it.

I also didn't even know that it happened. Yup I am officially no longer cool. FUCK!

Wow, I feel like the worst person ever

I just found out that my High School sweetheart's mother died... a while ago. We fell out of touch, so I guess it is not my fault that I didn't know, but I feel terrible right now. I have looked for a memorial fund, or a place to donate but have not found anything specific. I don't know any of the details, and I also do not think that it is my place to find out but I did hear that it was cancer. Maybe I should just donate to a general cancer research fund to set the world back into balance.

Cardio is my Fiber

After a few weeks off at the gym I got kind of stopped up. Actually the story is a little more involved than that...

I had to take time off because I was pretty sick, like no more than 20' from a toilet kind of sick. The kind of run-right-through-you-and-leave-a-hefty-smear-of-green-foam-all-over-the-ass type sick. Then after I kicked the illness I had the opposite problem, I couldn't get rid of anything. No poop for three days is scary for a guy like me. I am Mr. Regular.

I thought maybe my body was so purged of intestinal fodder that it required something, anything, everything to hold on to. When I did shit it wasn't the resounding triumph of nature that a guy can be proud of. They looked more like those pitiful snakes that Californians are forced to light on the fourth of July because we don't get cool fireworks like they do in Missouri.

Me, I like pooping. I do it well. I was deprived of my morning relief. Sadness enveloped me and I needed release.

I turned to the only resource I had to ass-ist (couldn't resist) with a feeble attempt at self diagnosis, the Internet. There were many sites out there that perpetuate the urban legend that John Wayne had 40+ lbs. of beef impacted into his lower intestine. They insisted that all I really needed was a high colonic, or an herbal solution. I actually considered purchasing this product.

Yeah, I was that bad off. I kept looking through the website and found testimonials where people position hideous looking things that they shit out and then photograph them to document their cleansing process. Things like this:

Allow me to interpret the contents of this photo for you dear reader. This person is so proud of their discharge that they are holding said dripping discharge on a butter knife in front of the good white towels while the discharge is dripping ass juice and toilet water all over the bathroom floor, and then photographing it.

OH MY GAWD!!@! What the hell? Is that really inside me? If I take this product will I be able to abort the fetal hell spawn that Satan has implanted in my anus while I sleep at night as punishment for all of my sins? If I did take this colon cleanse and discharge a fetal hell spawn from my ass would I then be compelled to take photographic evidence of my rectal discharge? Then I considered it after reading more testimonials... Could I really loose a bunch of weight in the form of colon critters? Would I be healthier? Stronger? Faster? Better? Simply by taking some herbs...

Nawh!

I snapped back to reality, but what happened to the butter knife? Do you think he wiped it off and put it back in the drawer? That is just the kind of thing a guy who would take pictures of abnormal shit would do. Gross.

Note to self. Bring own butter knife with you where ever you go.

Well to make a short story long and then short again. I pooped no less than 5 times after a good round of vigorous exercise. Exercise was the other thing that the almighty Internet recommended to recapture regularity that I wasn't already doing. I figured that the gym is already a sunk cost and I didn't need to pay 200 bucks for some herbs that were going to force me to lay evil ass babies.